The lot of the professional sports mascot is not all bright lights, inflated salaries and flamboyant dance routines. Supposedly their presence on the sidelines symbolises goodwill between opposing forces and representation for teams and fans alike.
While sport is alleged to showcase the physical nobility and prowess of man, thankfully there will always be at least one dingus ready to let the side down and give the audience something to smirk at. Bringing egos and ostentatious play down to earth with a furry thump, mascots remind us that it’s not just the taking part that counts but also the chance to give the opposition PR a damn good hiding, regardless of the score.
Brawls between players are commonplace and can sometimes be a shocking spectacle to behold, but there’s nothing as ludicrously tragic as the sight of grown men in bulbous costumes trying to batter the crap out of one another. Listed are some of the most ridiculous mascot bust-ups in recent memory that helped to ease the monotony of dull games.
1. Wolfie v The Three Little Pigs
Age-old foes finally clash in this close encounter of the furred kind. Wolfie, the usually cordial mascot of Wolverhampton Wonderers gets the hell-in with Bristol City’s Three Little Pigs and decides to make a stand. Wolfie proceeds to antagonise one of his piggy adversaries before smacking him righteously in the face in the middle of the field. A brief shove-fest ensues before security step in to prevent any further huffing and puffing that could possibly result in the stadium blowing down.
2. San Diego Chicken v Barney pretender
The San Diego Chicken, a regular mascot feature at San Diego Padres games, initiates a dance off and consequently gets served in front of the home crowd by a peculiar Barney incarnation. Taking exception to Barney’s rejection of a peace offering, Chicken jumps the hapless dinosaur before tossing its concussed remains over a railing. Parents forced to endure hours of Barney and Friends over the years couldn’t have wished for a better result.
3. Rufus the Bobcat vs Brutus Buckeye
Using his keen eyesight, Rufus the Bobcat hones in on Brutus Buckeye from across the field and sprints out to administer a smackdown. Perhaps sensing safety in numbers Buckeye escapes and retreats to the sanctuary of the cheerleading squad before an irate Rufus singles him out once more for a bit of a kicking. Seemingly oblivious cheerleaders prance around the melee as their mascot is thoroughly disgraced in front of the crowd. Security steps in just in time to prevent a Buckeye black eye.
4. Chief Brave Spirit v Vic the Demon
Chief Brave Spirit of Northeast Louisiana University reincarnates Crazy Horse and squares off against Vic the Demon from Northwestern State University in an effort to prove the intrinsic value of a university education. Rather than settling for a simple scalping, Brave Spirit attempts to exorcise the Demon by slapping it around and ripping its head off, only to reveal an angry dishevelled man inside. William Peter Blatty must have been kicking himself. After rolling around on the turf for a while, fists flying, the pair is separated, leaving the Chief to prance off into the sunset satisfied with a job well done.
5. Oregon Duck v Houston Cougar
CNN have the dubious honour of immortalising the infamous punchup between Oregan Duck and the Houston Cougar. Not being especially diplomatic, Duck takes exception to Cougar’s mere existence and instigates a shoving match on the sidelines before administering a sharp kick to Cougar’s lower lumbar. Fur and feathers fly as a full on brawl ensues with Duck going quackers on the cat’s ass until the pair are eventually separated by cheerleaders and assistants. Nuff said.
6. Ryan “Fitzy” Fitzgerald v mascot army
Australian rules football player Ryan “Fitzy” Fitzgerald of the Adelaide Crows plays with fire as he takes a swing at the wrong furball. In the middle of a league game Fitzy gives an unidentified mascot a right hook before pummelling it to ground. The mascot cavalry arrives instantly and pandemonium ensues as Fritzy is swamped with costumes. Humiliation complete, Fritzy plonks Minnie Mouse in the face before being faceplanted by a giant cell phone. Sublime.
7. Freddie the Fox v Desmond the Dragon
Barely worth a mention but the fact that Freddie the Fox is granted an on-air interview to explain an earlier disagreement with Desmond the Dragon is an indication that mascots can be remorseful and that features programme directors’ money is too easily made. Stupefying.
With more tension than your mother’s suspension, I am Frisco Rosso. I’m likely to deliver a few lines worth at any given moment regarding film, music, sport, books and anything morally unsound that strikes a blow between the eyes in the name of entertainment.