By Huntress Thompson
1. There are no restaurants left to go to where the waiters haven’t seen you before, dining sad and alone on a Single’s Pizza.
2. You fall over a lot. Like, an unreasonable amount. And dribble food down your front. And bump into things. And the movies say you’re only allowed to be like that if you look like Emma Stone.
3. The hipsters are everywhere and you’re too distracted with hating them to make any non-vitriolic conversation.
4. No one gets your weird references because usually, you only really hang out with yourself or your 5 friends who are exactly like you.
5. The last time you went on a date, you revealed that you thought murder ballads (like Misfits’ Saturday Night) are super romantic, and your date asked for the cheque while you were still talking.
6. There is no universal rule about acceptable time frames – How long after you get the number do you make the call? How long after you go on the date do you arrange another one? No one knows, so everyone wanders around in that weird, Matrix freeze frame that allows Neo to dodge bullets.
7. Your sense of humour is so dry that, even in person, it’s hard to tell when you’re kidding, so dates don’t understand – and you can’t post a GIF to explain.
8. When someone asks you out, the very first thing that goes through your mind is whether they’ll be more interesting than watching Claire Danes lose her shit on Homeland.
9. When someone asks you out, the very next thing that goes through your mind is whether you’re up to wearing heels that night, because you thought it would be more of a cartoon pyjama bottoms kind of an evening.
10. You haven’t had your car washed in months, and you can’t pull up at a fancy restaurant looking like you’ve hijacked a refugee.
11. The last time you rang someone to ask them out, they answered the phone with “I NEED 5 TO MAKE A MILLION”.
12. Brian Fallon is married.
13. You’re suddenly not sure what to do with your hands at the table, so you end up just taking alarmingly frequent sips of wine and have to be carried to your car before the mains arrive.
14. You’re now so terrifyingly vigilant on Facebook/Twitter/Chat/Texts after you go on a date that you could open a small, very specific surveillance company. And you would, except you’ve given yourself Carpal Tunnel from scrolling.
15. If you’ve never been to the venue before, it’s really easy to misjudge the dress code and accidentally arrive at an outdoor café in sequins. For example. *cough*
16. Your dream guy is Travis Bickle, in a non-ironic way.
17. It once took you an hour into the date before you realised your skirt had slid halfway down your thighs on the drive over.
18. You measure every date you’ve had against whether it was more fun that hanging out with your dog.
19. You won’t sleep with anyone who doesn’t know who Legs McNeil is.
20. You once went to the bathroom halfway through a date, and realised that when you scratched your nose earlier you actually smeared hummus across your face and your date was too polite to mention it.
21. Jon Snow is really serious about the Night’s Watch and you’re not about to fuck with that.
22. Your hair can sense when you’re nervous about a date, so when you’re getting ready it arranges itself into terrifying shapes you’ve never seen it in before, hoping to entertain you.
23. You quote poems/cult films/classic literature as part of everyday conversation and it’s not nearly as endearing as you think it is.
24. You once stopped listening to a date when they pronounced ‘nuclear’ as ‘nucular’, and then when they stopped talking and looked at you expectantly you just went “HAHAHA YES”, only to realise they were talking about a lost pet.
25. If you go to a gig/club/concert, the music will be too loud to do any nonchalant casual flirting so you have to scream innuendo at your date’s face, which is not exactly what Memoirs of a Geisha was about.
26. Saying goodbye at the end of the evening is always so terrifyingly awkward that you once patted a date on the head and stormed away really fast. Too fast, probably.
27. No one ever finds it entertaining when you spell check the menu.
28. You hate everyone. It’s not just a mild irritation that someone has a stupid haircut or sighs, “Ah, 5ive weren’t that bad, though,” – you have to hate them for it.
29. It means you have to put a bit more effort into what you’re wearing, since not everyone thinks a woman in her late 20s who dresses like a child in a Disney movie is adorable.
…no? Just me? Oh, never mind then.
In the vacuum between dark and light, Siouxsie Sioux and Emmylou Harris, Amelie and Travis Bickle, Huntress Thompson is an idiot lost, and reporting from the field. If you’re after irrational, impassioned rants about cupcakes and Johnny Cash (and you probably aren’t), she’s grumpy, but she’s your girl.