By P Blood
This is The Vandals Took the Handle Public Warning Service. The world has been attacked with another bland rock video.
Communications have been severely interrupted. The number of suicides and the extent of the damage are not yet known. We shall bring you further information as soon as possible. Meanwhile, stay tuned to this blog, stay calm and stay in your own homes.
Remember there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away. By leaving your homes, you could be exposing yourselves to greater danger. If you leave, you may find yourself within earshot of the video, without earplugs, without an escape, and with people that actually like Nickleback.
Falling out with friends (after listening to Chad Kroeger’s voice) is many times more dangerous if you are directly exposed to it in the open. Roofs and walls offer substantial protection. The safest place is indoors.
Be sure to avoid links to the video containing the words, “Nickleback”, “Trying Not To Love You”, “George from Seinfeld music video” at all costs. If mains water is available, this can be used for drowning your computer. You should also fill up your bath, as this can be used as a makeshift isolation tank.
Water must not be used for drowning yourself. Unless you feel that there is no hope for humanity, and in that case we don’t blame you.
Toilet or bucket arrangements must be made for vomiting, as spontaneous nausea is a symptom of Nickleback exposure. Use your water only for essential drinking, drowning and puke flushing purposes. Water means life or death. Don’t waste it.
Make your good music stocks last: ration your playlists, because they may have to last for fourteen days or more. If you have new music in the house, use this first to avoid wasting your favourites: any classic rock ‘n’ roll will keep.
If you are at work in an area where accidental exposure may occur, thanks to that vacant shit person in the next cubicle with the goddamn kitten posters, stay in your own cubicle with headphones firmly in place and loud, until you are sure it is safe to come out. Wait until the immediate danger of that tasteless mouth-breather has left the office and their machine is safely off.
The “all clear” message will also be given on this blog. If you leave your cubicle to go to the lavatory or replenish food or water supplies, do not remain outside the room for a minute longer than is necessary.
Do not, under any circumstances, go outside. Nickleback’s formulaic and repetitive radio rock can kill. You cannot see it or feel it, but it is there. If you go outside, you will bring danger to your family and you may die. Stay in your space until you are told it is safe to come out, or you hear the “all clear” from reputable sources on the internet.
Here are the main points again:
- Stay in your own homes or cubicles, and if you are in an area where you may hear or see the new video by Nickleback, turn off the internet and listen to your own music through headphones at full blast, until you are told it is safe to come out. The message that the immediate danger has passed will be given by all tasteful music blogs, and repeated on this blog. Make sure that the links to the video are avoided at all cost, even if they come to you via RSS feed, social media or email.
- Water must be rationed, and used only for essential drinking, drowning and flushing vomit. Ration your music supply: it may have to last for fourteen days or more.
We shall repeat this broadcast in two hours’ time. Stay tuned to Vandals Took the Handle, but switch your computers off for now to save yourself any accidental exposure until we come online again. This is the end of this post.
Suffering from an inexplicably large ego and ignoring common courtesy, Mr P. Blood indulges his opinions about whatever comes to his cesspool of a mind, and strangely people don’t seem to hate him for it. Making him a writer, of sorts.