It’s Christmas in Gamerville: Part 2

By Space Cowboy

Click to read Part 1 

Hello again, and welcome to part two of my rather shoddy exposé on games you ought to buy yourself for Christmas (and fuck everyone else)!  In this follow-up article, I’ll be looking at a few of my most anticipated games that are due for release shortly – as early as next week – up until Santa comes knocking on our doors with a baseball bat and small target signs for our kneecaps. Tighten your sleigh-belts and don some head protection, Rudolf is eager to lead the way with the refulgent red bulb at the end of his… face.

Just look at him go, bounding over the other reindeer! It’s gonna be a white Christmas for sure!


Now, last week I mentioned the console release of Assassins Creed 3, and that the PC version would be hitting our shelves end of November. That deal is still on. However there’s another assassin on the loose, and he’s badder, and perhaps balder, than ever. I’m referring of course to Hitman: Absolution. This year at rAge, I had the opportunity to pre-order any game with a R100 discount, and out of a pretty sexy selection, I chose this one. Having played all of the previous iterations and been thoroughly impressed with them all, I think it’s safe to say that I’m a fan of Agent 47’s shiny pink dome. It’s rumoured that Hitman: Absolution will bring the series to a close, being “set at the end of the timeline” (thanks Wikipedia). With this in mind, and if it turns out to be true, the game will have a lot to live up to, as gamers get pretty darn vocal about their discontent with content – and I’ll have you know that we have neither the original soundtrack composer nor the original actor involved this time around. I have faith though, because Square Enix is on board and they have NEVER failed to impress and/or arouse my… admiration? The game arrives November 20th.

“Oh God, my penis is showing… how embarrassing…”


Ok, staying with the theme of killing people with guns, Far Cry 3 is due out at the end of November. I have to confess that I never did complete the first Far Cry, and have never played Far Cry 2 either, but having seen a number of E3 trailers and other official media, this is one FPS that I’m keen to get intimate with. Not only is it being touted as a true sandbox game with RPG elements thrown in like skill trees and all that, but the developers are claiming that the single player campaign map will be ten times larger than in the previous games! This good news in turn very quickly made my penis ten times larger than in its previous flaccid state! The numbers add up! I LOVE SCIENCE! Anyway, here’s a video of some gameplay with commentary by some of the devs. Take special note of the graphics engine, Dunia 2… so… purdy…

Warning: Graphics may affect some viewers. Keep tissues handy and do not wear tight-fitting trousers.


Right, now Battlefield 3: Aftermath is due out some time in December, and as many will agree, the Battlefield series is perhaps the best war simulator out there. Battlefield 3 wowed us all and left me in particular utterly rigid. This expansion pack will be available as DLC, but will also be sold in stores around the country. It obviously features new maps and missions, and also includes a shiny new weapon in the multiplayer mode, a kind of haphazardly thrown together crossbow that shoots various differing bolts, from sniping to exploding. More on that when I get my hands on it. If you loved Battlefield 3 and its previous expansions, you can only benefit from this one.

Those shades, that victory pose; this guy is made of win. “Woots!”


Next up is a game that I’ve been yearning for, like a babe hungrily braying for mothers milk: it’s called Hawken, and in it, you get to be inside a robot, though not in the Japanese-dating-sim sense of the phrase. I used to play the Mechwarrior games way back when they first started appearing on PC, and I loved them. Admittedly, the gameplay was slow, the controls were clunky and the missions were often HORRIBLY boring, but my love of robots and mechs allowed me to gloss over these faults. With Hawken, not only do you get to run around in a robot shooting things, but the gameplay seems very fluid and well-designed, the battles tangibly desperate and exciting, and the really cool HUD is pretty much all the robot fap material I’ll need for the next 5 years. Except that Mechwarrior Online, another Mech-based shoot-’em-up is due for release around the same time. The former boasts the Unreal Engine 3, the latter CryENGINE 3. Both are free-to-play online deathmatch games. Both contain enough havoc and robot sadism to slake even the most ardent American of his thirst for exploding things. Of the two though, I have to say that I’m more excited for Hawken, only because it’s something new that may answer the prayers I had for Mechwarrior way back when I was young and pimply and stashed Gillian Anderson nudey pics (fake of course) on a floppy disc. Those were the days…

A short taste of the gameplay and amazing environment. I can’t tell whether it’s robot hell or robot heaven.


Perhaps the biggest and best confirmed Christmas present for the year 2012 though is the release of the Nintendo Wii U. There has been an assload of scepticism and negative feedback around the console, but in the end, Nintendo know very well what people want, and that is to HAVE FUN. Yes, the Xbox 720 (apparently coming next year) and the PS4 (god knows when) will have harder-hitting hardware and the best graphics in console history. But as I mentioned in the last article, the Wii U will quite literally fart in their faces, then kick them in the balls as they bend over to hurl from the smell. The Wii was officially the best-selling console of its generation (yes, it beat the PS3 and Xbox 360) because Nintendo focus on user experience. This is why I will always back them 100% over the other two industry giants. For the time being though, the Wii U’s hardware is said to be more powerful than either the current Xbox 360 and the PS3, and from what I Saw at rAge, I can believe it. The way the controller plays an integral part in the way people play the games is what is so refreshing and interesting. They are redesigning – yet again – the way we play games. For those who don’t know, the controller doubles as a 6” touch screen, and it can be used in a number of ways with various titles, like aiming, or inventory management, or even for two-player mode. It’s a fuckload of fun to play the new Rayman in two-player mode. I honestly soiled myself with excitement. And the list of big titles coming to the console are further incentive to get your hands on one, most notably Zombie U (I got a private demo from the Devs from Ubisoft France and was blown away), Bayonetta 2, Assassins Creed 3, Ninja Gaiden 3, Nintendo Land,  New Super Mario Bros U (so fucking amazing I want to blast a shit through my trousers), a special edition Mass Effect 3, and the list just goes on. If you care about yourself even a little bit, get this console. And no, Nintendo aren’t paying me to say that, nor are they swinging a rope at my balls. I just love them.

Here, we get to see a bit of the Wii U in action, as well as how bad British TV ads are.


So there you have it, gamers. You know what’s out there. Go forth and purchase, bribe and steal your way to a happier Christmas than you’ve had in years. The options are there, you just have to make it happen. Look out for my article on my personal game of the year at the end of December, to which I shall award the coveted “Golden Erection”. Keep tuned also for reviews and rundowns of the games mentioned in these articles as well as a comprehensive guide to the Nintendo Wii U, if I manage not to pass out from a drastic rush of blood flow to my loins when I get my hands on it… the console that is. Toodles!



Space Cowboy

As this fiercely obvious anime reference would imply, Space Cowboy is a fiercely enthusiastic geek, and as such, brings something fresh to geek-journalism. That is to say, freshly squeezed wads of man-berry juice, frantically issued all over anything tech, gaming, and/or Japan related. He does hope you enjoy said bukkake-esque levels of enthusiasm.




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