Either I live under a rock, or I just don’t hang where the cool kids hang anymore – but I’ve noticed that “Douchebag” seems to be the new cool and it has me quite worried. Very worried in fact because it’s another step in the continuing de-evolution of the human species.
Some people might not realise that they’re falling into the douche trap, which is why I’ve compiled this handy guide to help you know you’re a douche when…
1. …you fake a disability
Now, I don’t mean you fake a polio limp at a traffic light or fake a spastic colon to get out of a horrible date.
No, I mean you wear glasses that don’t have lenses in them, or – even better – you continuously wear the 3D glasses from the last time you went to the movies.
Being short or long sighted is no joke and wearing something that can only be described as “a crutch for your eyes” is the farthest thing from cool there is.
Well, unless you’re a douche.
2. …decorate yourself and your belongings with these brands
TapouT, Monster and Ed Hardy. Three of the douchiest brands in the world.
A douche puts a Monster energy drink sticker on his bakkie, on his laptop, on his car and on his Big Boy Scooter; and he eats, sleeps and poops in his TapouT wife beater to show off his Ed Hard style tattoos and wears a sun visor or topless golf cap – even to bed.
3. …you survive on energy drinks, protein shakes and supplements
Whether you’re smashing Ed Hardy or Monster energy drinks down your gullet, or you’re comparing muscles and how much you bench press at gym with the USN rep in your local Dis-chem, you ‘re absolutely a douche.
4. …you’ve covered your car in matte black or carbon fibre
It used to be that if you had a personalised number plate, you were a douche – a doucheplate if you will.
But nowadays, it seems that any douche can take their car, no matter how crappy it is, and get it covered in a matte colour.
I’ve seen matte blue and matte yellow, but the douchiest – by far – are the matte black and (even more hilarious) carbon fibre wraps.
Seriously? Does it can like to add kilowatts to your Corsa?
5. …you “tork lahk this” and you like MMA
Okes, there’s nuhthing more kief than watching too okes bliksem eachother wiff dehr fists at Carnival City.
EFC, MMA, UFC, it’s all flippin main, and it makes me want to klap gym harder so I can also pretend to be hard core, and have my arse handed to me by an oke who spent years studying nine different types of Kung Fu when he lewks at my cherrie.
Wash is our resident uber-geek. He sleeps on a pile of comics, speaks fluent Klingon and spends his weekends unleashing all manner of Hell on the battlefields of his PC. If it’s related to gaming, comics, sci-fi or any other form of geekitude… chances are Wash has his sticky paws all over it.